The Golfer's Piss

The golf ball bounced three times on the green then slowly approached the 18th hole. It veered a bit on a 45-degree angle then finally sank itself inside the soft mound.

Joemar tossed his putter into the air and jumped gleefully as his friend Hero spitted out a disappointed frown. Joemar had won the game -- and became two thousand pesos richer with their wager.

It was not the first time they played golf. They've been best friends for the past four years, doing the driving range every Wednesdays and hitting the fairways every Sundays. Sometimes during Fridays, they share stories over a bucket of beer at their favorite waterhole in Makati.

They enjoy each other's company. Their closeness had even bonded both of their wives together. The wives -- Martha and Eileen -- meet during Saturdays to get Venti coffee at the Starbucks Trinoma. Joemar's wife Eileen is very fond of Hero's wife Martha, communicating with her even during work days.

"Pare, aren't you tired of losing every game? Practice, practice, practice...hahaha!" Joemar picked on Hero.

"Fuck you, man, hahaha! I still look better than you. You can keep the game to yourself but I keep the good looks!" Hero replied laughing.

The two men took seats from the local clubhouse and ordered the usual, iced coffee and cakes. Their refreshments gave them another round of energy, Three hours on the fairway had made them hungry and thirsty -- but an hour at the clubhouse restores whatever strength they lost.

"Pare, what I'm gonna tell you is shocking." Hero said, "... there's this story about a robber and his victim. You see, one night, while the victim was sleeping tight in his air-conditioned room inside a posh village, the robber silently scaled his house and managed to gain entry to his bedroom. The victim, having drank too much at a dinner party was sooo sound asleep even Santa Claus can walk in his belly and will not wake him up."

"The robber opened the victim's cabinet, opened his table drawer, opened his bedside pockets, and even opened his bathroom. He took everything on sight, his laptop, cellphone, jewelry, cash money -- EVERYTHING!"

"Then, the robber suddenly felt the urge to urinate. He unzipped his pants, took out his penis then drizzled the bedroom floor with piss! He drew faces on the floor with his piss, drew the sun, the moon and the stars with his stinking piss! And he laughed at his work. He enjoyed it. He admired his piss."

"Then suddenly, the victim woke up! He scratched his eyes a bit as if not believing what he's seeing. A man is pissing on his floor! And the goddamn jerk is laughing hard! The robber had his back on him and he doesn't see he's already awake. The victim pulled out a handgun from under his pillow and aimed it at the robber."

"The robber must have sensed somebody looking at him that he turned his head around. He was shocked to see the victim pointing a gun at him. But he didn't even flinched, instead he laughed harder! And laughed and laughed and laughed! The robber was reaching for a gun from his back pocket."

"Then he quickly pulled it out, raising it to his eye level. But the victim was faster. He squeezed the trigger and shot the robber in the chest. The robber can't believe what just happened. He looked down at his chest and saw blood oozing from it. He felt it and it's wet. His knees trembled and this forced him to kneel down. He is dizzy but he is still alive. He cannot feel anything now. He cannot raise his arms, his sight doubling like a cross-eyed monkey."

"The victim smiled at what he saw. He approached the robber and spat at his face. He took his hair and grasped it hard. Then he slapped the robber's face so hard it broke his lips. The victim is now laughing! Hahahaha! He drove the robber's face over his piss then mopped it there -- as if trying to wipe out all the piss from the floor."

"Wait, pare, that's gross! I think it's me who's gonna take a piss!" Joemar said as he stood up.

"Where are you going?" asked Hero. 

"Bathroom, my friend. Hold your breath and continue your story when I come back." Joemar replied smiling.

Joemar walked the hallway towards the bathroom. The clubhouse is almost empty. The golfers had already went home leaving only few attendants walking from one corner to another, stopping occasionally to talk with each other.

Joemar entered the bathroom, picked a cubicle and positioned himself in front of a toilet bowl. The cubicle's door quietly closed as he urinated -- the sound of his piss touching the bowl's chlorine water echoing in the bathroom.

He remembered Hero's story. He smiled. He rotated his penis and pissed on the floor, pissed on the cubicle door and pissed at its handle. This is great, he thought to himself.

Then when he cannot piss any longer, he wiggled his dick a bit and zipped his pants. Relieved, he let out a silent sigh and opened the cubicle door. He was a bit surprised as he sees Hero staring at him just outside his cubicle. Hero was holding a golf club, the 7-irons to be specific.

"Are you going to continue your story here, hehehe!" Joemar giggled as he spoke, "you should've waited at our table, pare."

"There's nothing funny, pare, you shouldn't be laughing."

With that, Hero raised his golf club and drove it straight to Joemar's face, breaking his nose instantly. Joemar let out a loud cry as sharp pain envelopes his face. Hero drove another blow to Joemar's head hitting his ear, separating it from his jaw. Hero raised his golf club several times and several times it hit Joemar.

Joemar is now lying on the floor, his face over his own piss -- his life slowly escaping from his body. He is about to die now.

"Do you like the taste of your own piss, pare? Lick it hard, you sonavabitch!" Hero was mopping Joemar's face on the floor, the piss catching his eyes, cheeks, lips and hair.

"Whoooo! Hahahaha! Feels good, pare? Lick them harder!" Hero was joyful, holding Joemar's head like a child playing a new toy.

But Joemar is not moving now. His heart beats no more. He is dead.

"I am the victim, my friend, and you are the robber." Hero was holding a cellphone photo of his wife, Martha.

In the photo, Martha was naked and smiling -- locked in sweet embrace with Joemar.

END